Mutant Bear in Michigan

To the Editor,
Having read the article, “Bear attacks hunting guide near Lewiston” in your newspaper, I felt compelled to write. Firstly, let me convey my deepest sympathy to the hunting guide who was injured when he happened across a bear who had the audacity to defend itself. This is beyond contempt. What kind of a world is this where a well meaning hunter intent only on killing innocuous fauna is unjustly attacked by a deranged bear that somehow got the notion it would be better off alive? Doesn’t it realize that to be truly loved and appreciated is to be tracked down by vicious dogs and shot repeatedly until dead then arranged in an ostentatiously taxidermic state? Surely if a person believes that killing wildlife will somehow elevate their existence from something less than insignificant, they should be able to do so without fear of reprisal.

All I can say is thank the gods they killed it. Now they will be able to study it and find out exactly what was wrong with it. I fear it may be much worse that rabies. I think we will find this bear had developed an irrational sense of survival. Perhaps this is some new mutant strain of bear. I suggest we petition the government to exterminate this bizarre aberration. Then, surely, there must be the technology to genetically engineer a bear that is unable to retaliate and possibly discourage our honorable hunters. A bear with no claws or teeth would be ideal. Or better still, with no limbs. Then the bear would be unable to run away at all. However, this would make it unable to climb and thus rob hunters of the nobility of shooting a bear out of a tree. I’m sure a compromise could be reached.

My sincere thanks goes out to those brave enough to drive to Wal-Mart (just battling that traffic shows a determination I can only admire), purchase a rifle with their bare hands and quash this insidious uprising.